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Comedy

Recently a few of our members came out with a journal article documenting a course of research they had been undertaking. Todd, who recently graduated, spearheaded the project with the help of Paul and Gordon. It's not really "comedy" per se, as it is a very serious exploration into the importance of the ⁴₂Mg²⁺ magnesium fragment, but I thought that this would be as good a place as any to display it, as some people find dry, boring documents about research interesting. So, if you would like a PDF version of this document, you may find one here. Or, take a look below to find some interesting jokes.

That's right, all the best Chemistry Jokes are displayed here. Take one at a time, or take them all at once. But please, if you have a similar sense of humor as us, we ask you don't read through these during class. The urge to laugh might be too great.

1.) A physicist, biologist, and a chemist are all at the ocean. The physicist says "Look at those waves! I'm going to do some tests on fluid dynamics." And he runs into the water, where he drowns.

The biologist says "Look at all that marine life! I'm going to collect some
specimins and see if I can find the missing link between fish and amphibia." He also runs into the ocean and drowns.

The chemist watches all of this and writes in his notebook an observation 'The physicist and the biologist are soluble in water.'

2.) What is a pirate's favorite element? ... Arrrrgon
What's his second favorite? ...Arrrrsenic

3.) Two neutrons walk into a bar and ask the bartender for a drink. The bartender says, "For you, no charge."

4.) Two atoms are sitting on a bench and one says to the other, "I think I lost an electron." The second says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yeah, I'm positive."

5.) What is H2O? ...Water. What is H2O^3? ...Ice

6.) What is H2O? ...Water. What is H2O4? ... Drinking, of course

7.) Dan was shopping for some organic bean sprouts when he bumped
into Melissa. "Oh! You like organic stuff too?" he asked. "Yes," she said, "and I know this great organic cafe..." "Oh no," thought Dan. She already has a boyfriend. I must substitute myself for him! But how? And then a light came on in his mind. "I can eliminate him using an alkyl halide nucleophile!"

8.) Remember, if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the
precipitate!

9.) Q: How many physical chemists does it take to wash a beaker? A: None. That's what organic chemists are for.

10.) The Chemistry of Hell

The following is most likely NOT a real bonus question from an exam, according to Snopes. Though I am loathe to spread such things, I think it would be unfair to take it away from those who might get some enjoyment from it. I cannot in good conscience, however, purport that it is in any way true.

Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the
volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

Know any more? Send them to pgansslestudent.umass.edu


		Comedy Recently a few of our members came out with a journal article documenting a course of research they had been undertaking. Todd, who recently graduated, spearheaded the project with the help of Paul and Gordon. It's not really "comedy" per se, as it is a very serious exploration into the importance of the ⁴₂Mg²⁺ magnesium fragment, but I thought that this would be as good a place as any to display it, as some people find dry, boring documents about research interesting. So, if you would like a PDF version of this document, you may find one here. Or, take a look below to find some interesting jokes. That's right, all the best Chemistry Jokes are displayed here. Take one at a time, or take them all at once. But please, if you have a similar sense of humor as us, we ask you don't read through these during class. The urge to laugh might be too great. 1.) A physicist, biologist, and a chemist are all at the ocean. The physicist says "Look at those waves! I'm going to do some tests on fluid dynamics." And he runs into the water, where he drowns. The biologist says "Look at all that marine life! I'm going to collect some specimins and see if I can find the missing link between fish and amphibia." He also runs into the ocean and drowns. The chemist watches all of this and writes in his notebook an observation 'The physicist and the biologist are soluble in water.' 2.) What is a pirate's favorite element? ... Arrrrgon What's his second favorite? ...Arrrrsenic 3.) Two neutrons walk into a bar and ask the bartender for a drink. The bartender says, "For you, no charge." 4.) Two atoms are sitting on a bench and one says to the other, "I think I lost an electron." The second says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yeah, I'm positive." 5.) What is H2O? ...Water. What is H2O^3? ...Ice 6.) What is H2O? ...Water. What is H2O4? ... Drinking, of course 7.) Dan was shopping for some organic bean sprouts when he bumped into Melissa. "Oh! You like organic stuff too?" he asked. "Yes," she said, "and I know this great organic cafe..." "Oh no," thought Dan. She already has a boyfriend. I must substitute myself for him! But how? And then a light came on in his mind. "I can eliminate him using an alkyl halide nucleophile!" 8.) Remember, if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate! 9.) Q: How many physical chemists does it take to wash a beaker? A: None. That's what organic chemists are for. 10.) The Chemistry of Hell The following is most likely NOT a real bonus question from an exam, according to Snopes. Though I am loathe to spread such things, I think it would be unfair to take it away from those who might get some enjoyment from it. I cannot in good conscience, however, purport that it is in any way true. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God." THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A" Know any more? Send them to pgansslestudent.umass.edu